Out of the Ashes

For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was write.

Writing came easy; it brought me joy, escape, release.

But, in my youth, as I ventured further and further into darkness, I stopped writing. I was a girl living out every desire of the flesh, but enjoying none of it. Not really. Not inside.

From the depths of my soul, I was screaming for something, someone, to rescue me.

And I lived this way for a long time. In a word, BROKEN.

But God specializes in brokenness.

All of humanity is broken, but in Him we are made whole. We are made clean. Because he was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

I am healed. 

But healing took a long time. And long before I knew what I was in search of, before I even knew I needed Christ, he was with me.

He was with me in the moments I cried into my pillow at night, stifling the guttural noises coming from a person I didn't know anymore, trying to absolve my own doubts and fears without success. In those dark, private moments, he was with me.

I just didn't see him.
I wouldn't see him.
I didn't know how to see him.

I was a girl overwhelmed, but I could sense this feeling - the tiniest sliver of hope - that I wasn't meant to live this way. That my burdens could somehow give way to beauty. That somehow all the numbness would disappear and from the ashes, I would emerge.

Stronger.
Healed.
Whole.
Worthy.

And that's what God did. That's what he does. He saved me from myself, and through Christ I am redeemed (Ephesians 1:7).

In my deepest, darkest places of brokenness, Christ was beside me; whispering hope into my life. He never left me, even when I refused to see him.

So, once again, I write.

I write out of joy, out of hope, out of pleasure. I write because each has received a gift we are to use to serve one another so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ (1 Peter 4:10-11). 

I write for God. I write to say thank you. I write to give hope, strength, and healing.

I write because sometimes the burden of our circumstances - not just the monumental, but the little, everyday things - weigh so heavily on us. I write because the loudness of life too often drowns out the voice of God, but regardless...

I am proof that He is still there.

When it's hard to hear him...
When we think we know best...
When we've made the same mistakes over and over again...

He is still there.

Even when we don't know him...
When we're far from faith...
When we think we're too far gone...
When we're searching for him...

He is still there.

It is because of his faithful persistence that I am a daughter of Christ. I have claimed victory in the Lord and stand firm in his promises, his truth, his righteousness, his peace, his direction.

This time, I see Him.

And because I see him, one thing has become crystal clear: I have been called to live recklessly for Christ. So I will write recklessly for him, too.

I will surrender.
I will have faith.
And I will let go.

Then I will let God.

I will let him take over my life, my job, my family, my mind, my spirit, my body, my future.

I want to be all in, all the time. Not just some of the time. Not just when I feel like it, or when it's convenient, or when people deserve it.

ALWAYS. EVERY DAY.

Through His love, I have learned how to love. Through His faith, I have become faithful.

And because God's grace is all I need and his power works best in weakness, I will take pleasure in my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I want to love without judgment and live without fear. I want to remember every minute of every day that He is the Lord Most High, Immanuel, God Almighty, and through Him all things are possible (Philippians 4:13).

Even hope.
Even healing.
Even rescue.

So today I write to tell you to step out in faith, whatever that step might look like for you. However big or small. Then watch him work in you. Watch him heal you the way he healed me.

I am healed.

And I pray that you would be healed, too.

I pray you would take his hand, even if you can't see it. Even if you can't feel it. I promise, it's there. He's waiting for you. So take the next step, blindly, if you must, but take it anyway.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 3:16-21)